Putin Named 2014’s Best Friend to Organized Crime…What?

Russia’s terrifying dictator-for-life has been named the 2014 Person of the Year by the Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project (OCCRP). The award is given each year to “the person who does the most to enable and promote organized criminal activity.” By the way, you are only eligible to receive this distinction if you live in Eastern Europe, the Caucasus, Central Asia or Central America — because these are the only places where there is corruption. But you already knew that. Anyway, here’s Putin’s official citation:

Putin was recognized for his work in turning Russia into a major money-laundering center; for enabling organized crime in Crimea and in the Donbass region of eastern Ukraine; for his unblemished record of failing to prosecute criminal activity; and for advancing a government policy of working with and using crime groups as a component of state policy.

Putin has been a finalist every year so you might consider this a lifetime achievement award,” said Drew Sullivan, editor of OCCRP. “He has been a real innovator in working with organized crime. He has created a military-industrial-political-criminal complex that furthers Russia’s and Putin’s personal interests. I think Putin sees those interests as one and the same.

Where to begin? 

1. The only thing Putin enabled in Crimea is quiet streets and an 80% “sweet mercy, we’re glad we joined Russia!” approval rating. That monster!

2. There’s definitely organized crime in Donbass. How you can blame Putin for it is beyond us. Is Putin to blame for Right Sector looting? Yes, he “enabled” them!

3. Failing to prosecute criminal activity? Putin has been curb-stomping corrupt oligarchs since the day he took office. There is an entire crew of crooked Russian oligarchs living in exile who are doing everything they can to overthrow Putin and replace him with a complacent, Yeltsin-like vegetable who will look the other way while they rape Russia’s natural resources. 

3. C’mon. Putin’s “lifetime achievement” is receiving an 8th degree black belt in karate. Oh, and also saving Russia from the brink of total collapse. But mostly the karate belt. His mom was so proud. 

In other news, Putler murdered Boris Nemtsov with a Buk missile. Good morning!

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