Pass notes No 3,059: the yeti

Age: Oh ancient, probably.

Appearance: Well that’s the thing. Some say it’s very shy. In Nepal, they believe it only comes out at night time. It has been glimpsed fleetingly when …

No. I mean, what does it look like? Hairy. Flipping hairy.

This would be the Abominable Snowman, I presume? Snowperson, yes. There are legends of these elusive hominids all over the world. And now a Siberian expedition claims to have found “irrefutable evidence” of the creature’s existence.

Wow! They’ll have captured one alive then. Ah. No, slightly more refutable than that. They’ve found some smudgy footprints, a pile of twigs that they think is a yeti’s bed, and “several hairs that might belong to the yeti”.

Well, I’m convinced. So is Igor Burtsev. “We are on the brink of finding the yeti at long last,” he said.

That’s nice. I’m on the brink of winning the Booker prize. You scoff, but Burtsev is head of the International Center of Hominology. It hosted an international conference in the Russian town of Tashtagol, where the findings were announced.

So a group of yeti enthusiasts think the yeti exists? They do.

But they can’t prove it? They can’t.

You see where I’m going with this? I do. But don’t dismiss them. One delegate, Liliya Zenkova, claims she had direct contact with a yeti when she was asleep in her car. “I felt my right hand being caressed,” she told the Sun. “I knew it couldn’t be my husband – it was so gentle with such soft hair.”

Too much information, maybe? Maybe. Others talked about the creatures’ long arms, short neck and piercing shriek.

Wait a minute! A hairy loud-mouthed giant sometimes seen wandering the Himalayas? This is Brian Blessed, surely? An interesting theory. You must present a paper at the ICH’s next conference.

Do say: “Look! I bet that puddle’s made of yeti wee!”

Don’t say: “We’ll never hear the end of this if they actually find one …”

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