Robert Bridge has worked as a journalist in Russia since 1998. Formerly the editor-in-chief of The Moscow News, Bridge is the author of the book, “Midnight in the American Empire.”
In yet another sign that certain parts of mainstream media are becoming obsessed with animalistic urges and impulses, BuzzFeed slapped a ruler against its manhood to see where they stand in the global pecking order.
On Saturday morning, with spring in the air, the crack staff at
BuzzFeed were busy pursuing a subject that
has been hotly debated ever since some self-obsessed male
invented the ruler many eons ago (drum roll, house lights,
applause): Penis Size.
Yes, in response to a study by British researchers that showed
the global average (erect) male organ to be humiliatingly less
than the length of the average boa constrictor, BuzzFeed, the
American internet media click farm, offered a radical new
interpretation of investigative journalism, performing
self-examinations to see how they measure up in the global stud
In the spirit of anonymity, a brightly decorated cardboard box,
which suggested some sort of Freudian slip regarding female
genitalia, was strategically placed in the newsroom where
strapping young bucks could deposit on a slip of paper containing
their penis dimensions – signed, sealed and delivered by some
legendary porn star, I would imagine, and with poor timing for
Buzzfeed did a poll to see if the penis size of their employees
is larger than the global average. Like. Why.
— Justin (@jbry88) 19 Март
The expected result (see the comment section) was not much different than
those epic tales told by fishermen following an excursion on the
high seas where the size of the fish kept on growing with each
retelling of the story. It also created something akin to a
colorful wave of nausea and virtual vomit across the median strip
of the electronic highway.
Personally, I gave up squinting at a ruler in a locked bathroom
ever since one wise old man, who had been around the block more
than once, confided to me that guys would stop measuring their
members when they came to the realization that women never
measure their own merchandise. Interesting point, I had to admit.
In any case, I can’t help wondering if BuzzFeed will be soon
summoned before the military tribunal of Political Correctness
for being so rash as to announce to the world simple biological
differences between men and women.
Yet as puerile and juvenile as the BuzzFeed piece might have
been, it did provide some tantalizing food for thought.
Today, we seem to be greatly confused as to what place the male
sex organ – symbolically speaking – should take in modern society
aside from over the urinal and other unmentionable places.
Paradoxically, some of the world’s greatest symbols of liberty
and freedom that dominate public squares around the world are
anachronistic, phallic-shaped, ancient-Egyptian-inspired
obelisks, like the Washington Monument and to a lesser degree,
perhaps, the Eiffel Tower.
seems they have a lot of time on their hands. Or something.
— Elaine (@starree) 19 Март
Other man-made, phallic-shaped creations include nuclear-tipped
ballistic missiles that have the capacity to obliterate life on
earth, and there’s no condom effective enough to stop that mess.
And it should come as no surprise that insatiably curious,
endlessly inventive, testosterone-laced males designed these
creations and many others.
Although many men would logically object that it would not make
much sense to design a missile in the shape of a breast, for
example, to say nothing of a vagina, it is no less insane to
litter the planet with phallic-shaped projectiles, and despite
the fact that their anatomical similarity with the male genitalia
makes for the best aerodynamic design. Which begs the question:
What would our (failing) man-made social system look like if it
were suddenly taken over by women, the fairer sex that was not
born with a competitive yardstick in one hand and some kind of
heat-seeking missile in the other?
What if soft, curving ‘feminine’ types of architecture supplanted
the male-constructed landscape where concrete cities around the
world still compete – like children building sand castles on the
shore – to see who can erect the tallest skyscraper on the
horizon? Even better, not only would the architectural structures
be eliminated, but also the increasingly oppressive,
male-dominated global institutions that inhabit them.
Is it too late time to build a utopian society where the male
genetic code, which coldly and calculatingly reduces everything
on earth to a crude numbers game, was to politely step aside for
the female genetic code that seems to place higher value on life,
community and, I dare say, social justice (I am fully prepared to
admit, in light of some high-ranking females on the global stage
who seem particularly keen on warfare and bloodshed, that this
theory is not perfect. However, I think we can agree that the
thought processes of the Hillary Clintons of the world represent
a tiny minority among the females)?
Is man’s age-old obsession with competition, even in the
ridiculous realm of dangling biological appendages, projecting
itself like a metaphor on the modern scene, prompting men and
women to partake in a vicious “more is better”
lifestyle, where the daily compulsion to accumulate more material
continues unabated with little or no consideration for the
disastrous effects on the physical and spiritual planes?
Are men and their competitive impulses – illustrated so well by
BuzzFeed’s penis-measuring stunt – responsible for the chaos that
now dominates and threatens to destroy our fragile planet?
Is the male sex organ, and by extension the men who are attached
to them, becoming a politically incorrect member of proper
Alas, so many questions, so few honest rulers.
The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.